Verbesserungsvorschläge!

Zitat

Hallo Luschen, can you please review my text, too :). Actually, I am not satisfied today with my text. It will be great if you could give me some suggestions relating to this topic. Thanks in Advance!

why haven't you waited for Luschen to correct your text before posting it here?

Zitat von Dream_High

Hallo, Könntet ihr bitte mein Text durchschauen und eventuell mir vielleicht noch Verbesserungsvorschläge geben?

Discuss America’s role on the global stage in the past and today

After World War II the USA was the richest country in the world as it had profited from wartime conditions. Because it was isolated on its continent and secure between oceans, the USA emerged from the two World Wars relatively unharmed in comparison to its European allies. The United States stood at that time at the pinnacle of world power. During a 40-year reign as the leading western opponent of communism the US exerted its power often without worrying about what the world thought.

With new eras came new challenges such as terrorism, AIDS epidemic in Africa, forthcoming nuclear war and much more,too. Today’s interconnected world leaves less room for mistakes. Challenges that cannot be ignored are continuing problems in the Middle East like war in Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan??. Moreover, it now needs to overcome its oil-dependence which is weakening the position of the USA on a global stage to a large extent (Ist das so gemeint?). Furthermore, today the U.S. has to cope with the rapid industrialisation of China and India in order to maintain its strength in a globalised world. With regard to the urgent threats which are posed by North Korea and the potential for nuclear war between India and Pakistan, the US association with Europe has become more important in order to protect the world. As we know the USA has always provided peace and freedom in ! the world of which it has always been proud. Finally, since the terrorist attacks of September 11, the US has realized that military power alone is not enough to fight against ! global terrorism. Even more so, because it has proved to be no longer invulnerable and it now needs to cooperate with other states. At this critical time, the USA can no longer follow a policy of isolation because it is no longer possible to ignore what is going on in the world today.

However, firstly, I would say that ! success can only be obtained if the USA realizes that its power is limited. Most notably, America must avoid the arrogance which it has shown during the past years due to its great power in the world. Victory will require extensive international cooperation in the intelligence, economic, diplomatic and humanitarian fields. It will require a network of corporation s.o. between the U.S. and its allies. And what is most important!, the aim of the USA should be to help to make the world ! a better place and not to force others simply to adopt Americans views and policies.

Der Text ist Dir gut gelungen. Bei dem Personalpronomen für the USA musst Du konsequent sein. Einige Fehler fallen total aus der ansonsten auch sprachlich ausgewogenen Darstellung heraus.
Es wird nicht ganz klar, was Du mit "victory" meinst.

Zitat

Discuss America’s role on the global stage in the past and today

After World War II the USA became the richest country in the world as it had profited from wartime conditions. As(1) it was isolated on its continent and secure between oceans, the USA emerged from the two World Wars relatively unharmed in comparison to its European allies. at that time(2)The United States stood at the pinnacle of world power. During a 40-year reign as the leading western opponent of communism the USoften (3) exerted its power without worrying about what the world thought.

With new eras came new challenges (4)such as terrorism, the AIDS epidemic in Africa, the threatening (5) nuclear war and much more,too.(6) Today’s interconnected world leaves less room for mistakes. Challenges that cannot be ignored are the continuing problems in the Middle East like the wars in Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan. Moreover, the USA now needs to overcome its dependence on oil (7) which weakens (8) its position on a global stage to a large extent (9) (Ist das so gemeint?). Furthermore, today the U.S. has to cope with the rapid industrialisation of China and India in order to maintain its strength in a globalised world. With regard to the urgent threats which are posed by North Korea and the potential for a nuclear war between India and Pakistan, the association of the USA with Europe has become more important in order to protect the world. As we know the USA has always provided peace and freedom in the world which it has always been proud of (10). Finally, since the terrorist attacks of September 11, the US has realized that military power alone is not enough to fight [---] global terrorism. Even more so, because it has proved to be no longer invulnerable and it now needs to cooperate with other states. At this critical time, the USA can no longer follow a policy of isolation because it is no longer possible to ignore what is going on in the world today.

firstly, (11) I would However, say that success (12) can only be obtained if the USA realizes that its power is limited. Most notably, America must avoid the arrogance which it has shown during the past years due to its great power in the world. Victory will require extensive international cooperation in the fields of intelligence, economy, diplomacy, and humanity. It will require a network of corporation between the U.S. and its allies. And what is most important, the aim of the USA should be to help to make the world a better place and not to force others to simply adopt American views and policies.

annotations:

1) niemals "because" am Satzanfang. ("because of " ist o.k.)
2) Satzstellung: Zeitangabe gehört an den Satzanfang
3) Satzstellung: adverbial of frequency steht zwischen Subjekt und Prädikat
4) typisch deutsche Satzstellung (vgl. auch den vorher "italicized" markierten Satz; unenglisch
5) "forthcominbg" heißt "bevorstehend" "drohend = "threatening" ist hier richtiger
6) schreibe nie "usw" in einer Abhandlung, das ist "Hochstapelei": entweder du weißt was, dann schreibst du es hin oder du schreibst nichts "and much more..." pretends that you've got further knowledge
7) oil-dependence ist wörtl.- Übers. aus dem Dt
warum hier pres. progressive?
9) wow! global stage + large extent: ist das nicht reichlich dick aufgetragen?
10) die Präposition wird nicht mehr vor das Relativpronomen gestellt.
11. wo steht dann das logische "secondly" hier?
12. success in what/of what?

sprachlich ist der ganze wahnsinnig gestelzt: Man merkt deutlich das schwerfällig hochgeschraubt Deutsche.

Inhaltlich wird die USA hier ja sehr über den grünen Klee gelobt. Hast du als Textvorlage ein Pamphlet aus der amerik. Botschaft gehabt?

Zitat von what'sup

1) niemals "because" am Satzanfang. ("because of " ist o.k.)

Wie kommst du auf die Idee? Because kann ohne weiteres am Satzanfang stehen. Ob es stilistisch gut ist, ist eine ganz andere Frage, allerdings sehe ich in diesem Fall überhaupt kein Problem.

Zitat

4) typisch deutsche Satzstellung (vgl. auch den vorher "italicized" markierten Satz; unenglisch

Ganz im Gegenteil, das ist perfecly acceptable. (Vergleiche Spiderman: With great power comes great responsibility.)

Zitat

firstly, (11) I would However, say that success (12) can only be obtained if the USA realizes that its power is limited.

Ob mit Korrekturen oder ohne, der Satz passt einfach nicht. Das fängt damit an, dass however und firstly weder zusammen, noch einzeln so einen rechten Sinn in diesem Satz ergeben. Die Frage was mit Success gemeint ist, ist ebenfalls berechtigt, zumal das Verb "obtain" dann nicht in jedem Fall passend ist.
Und zu guter Letzt sollte man auf englisch das Passiv vermeiden, solange man einen Satz ohne Verrenkungen im Aktiv ausdrücken kann. Hier ist das ohne weiteres möglich. Statt "obtain success" kann man sagen "be successful".