Bitte überprüft meinen Text auf Fehler! Korrektur/Verbesseru

    Hallo, ich muss im Englischunterricht einen Inneren Monolog einer bestimmten Person, aus einem Film, den wir gesehen haben, verfassen und bekomme ihn benotet. Bitte helft mir damit ich ihn am Monatg möglichst fehlerfrei abgeben kann. Wenn ihr Vorschläge für bessere Formulierungen habt, speziell bei dem einen langen Satz in der Mitte, nur her damit ;)

    Liebe Grüße Sterniii

    Hier der Text:


    Tariq's Inner Monologue After Kitchen Scene

    Oh I can’t believe it. He is so very stubborn. The only important thing in his life is this silly Pakistani tradition. Pakistani tradition and nothing else matters:
    “Don’t eat bacon, don’t drink alcohol, don’t go to discos at night, learn to speak Urdu, have no British friends only Pakistani ones, do not live a British way of life, love your Pakistani religion and not to forget, the most important thing:
    Do always the things I want you to do because I AM YOUR DAD and good Pakistani sons do what their fathers say to them because only the fathers know what’s best for them. Because the sons can’t think themselves. And the mothers can’t. And the daughters can’t think themselves too.
    Nobody can think.
    I’m the only person who is able to think.
    So you can be very lucky that you’ve got such a great Pakistani dad like me, who can make a really good Pakistani boy out of you.
    And the next thing I want you to do is to marry this wonderful, beautiful, very bright and intelligent, funny and desirable Pakistani woman.
    Ok forget these wonderful, beautiful and intelligent things…but she’s Pakistani and that is what’s important. Nothing else. Just Pakistani tradition.
    With her you can keep up our Pakistani tradition and you can practise our Pakistani religion and you would not forget our nice Pakistani customs. Then you aren’t allowed to drink beer, eat bacon or have fun further on.
    Doesn’t it sound great?”

    Pakistani religion, Pakistani tradition, Pakistani customs, Pakistani people, Pakistani ceremonies…Pakistani, Pakistani, Pakistani, Pakistani!!!
    ARGH... I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN! I CAN’T HEAR IT ANYMORE!
    I have to burst into flames if I just have to think of any Pakistani shit in my whole life again!
    I just can’t believe it! My whole life is like a devil mass just because of his fragment of the mind and he takes no interest in it at all!
    Oh no… I think my life WAS long enough like that. It’s time do change. Now he wants me to marry a woman he had chosen even without asking me! He wants me to marry and be happy with that... that... NO! That is too much! I’ve got enough from him and his trash. I don’t want to be punished anymore for his own failure. Only because he had failured in keeping up the Pakistani tradition by getting divorced from his chosen Pakistani woman and marrying our mom, a British woman, to get easier visa for England to gain a better standard of living, he can’t force us to fulfil his dream of a real traditional way of life. Because this is HIS dream and not ours.
    He has to understand that it is over and that we are not Pakistani. That our roots are half British and not completely Pakistani. That we are born in England and not in Pakistan and that we are consequently more English than Pakistani.
    The only Pakistani thing in our life is he!
    He, my dad, the most stubborn, least lovely and most intolerant person I know.
    He, the one who causes every serious conflict in our family and the one who beats his wife and his children for things they are not to blame for… such a person wants to know what’s best for me and what it is that makes me happy?
    He has no idea what it means to be happy or how to make other people happy because he only knows the Pakistani tradition

    besser waere:

    Always do the things I want you to do because I AM YOUR DAD and good Pakistani sons do what their fathers tell them because only the fathers know what’s best for them. Because the sons can’t think for themselves. And the mothers can’t. And the daughters can’t think for themselves either.

    Then you aren’t allowed to drink beer, eat bacon or have fun further on.
    (das "further on" wuerde ich weglassen oder mit "either" ersaetzen)

    I have to burst into flames if I just have to think of any Pakistani shit in my whole life again! (lieber "I will burst into flames" statt "I have to" aber woher kommt dieser ausdruck? aus dem film? sonst vieleicht "I will explode"? und vieleicht statt "in my whole life again", "ever again for the rest of my life")

    noch einige verbesserungen:

    Oh no… I think my life has been like this for long enough. It’s time to make a change. Now he wants me to marry a woman he has chosen without asking me! He wants me to marry and be happy with that... that... NO! That is too much! I’ve had enough of him and his trash. I don’t want to be punished anymore for his own failure. Only because he failed in keeping up the Pakistani tradition by getting divorced from his chosen Pakistani woman and marrying our mom, a British woman, to get visa for England more easily and to gain a better standard of living, he can’t force us to fulfil his dream of a real traditional way of life.

    That we were born in England and not in Pakistan and that we are consequently more English than Pakistani.
    The only Pakistani thing in our life is him!

    (p.s. das wort "trash" ist ziemlich americanisch, wenn das ein englaender ist waere "rubbish" vieleicht besser?)

    Vielen Dank :)
    Du hast mir sehr geholfen.. die Note entscheidet ob ich vll noch eine bisschen bessere Note in Englisch bekomme oder nicht...Was meinst du, ist der Text gut? Auch wenn du ihn inhaltlich nicht so gut bewerten kannst, was hälst du sprachlich von ihm?

    Mit "burst into flames" wollte ich einfach nur sagen, dass er alles nicht mehr aushält, eben bald explodieren wird, du siehst, dein Wort passt besser;-)


    Lg Sterniii

    oh noch eine sache die mir aufgefallen ist (ist aber nicht ganz so wichtig) vieleicht "his chosen pakistani wife" statt "woman"?

    sprachlich (mit den kleinen aenderungen die ich vorgeschlagen habe) finde ich den text ganz gut. vieleicht wiederholst du dich an einigen stellen etwas, aber das find ich bei einem "inner monologue" gar nicht so schlimm (so denkt man ja manchmal)

    hope you get a good mark!!!!

    Hey, ich muss am Dienstag in der Gruppe Präsentation über das Klima in Irland halten und dazu ein Hand-Out austeilen. Ich habe versucht die wichtigesten Punkte zusammen zu fassen und würde jemanden darum bitte, dass mal durchzu sehen und bei Fehlern hinsichtlich der grammatik und rechtschreibung einen Verbesserungsvorschlag zu geben.

    Vielen Dank schon mal im vorraus.
    Sabrina

    Hier mein Text

    The climate in Ireland

    Ireland has a moderate oceanic climate with a mild winter and a cool summer. From January to February the average temperature is located between four and seven degree Celsius. In the August the temperature is located around 14 and 16 degree Celcius.
    This moderate year-around climate makes Ireland to a green Island with nearly a subtropical vegetation.
    The rain is a very important point of the weather in Ireland. On the west coast it can rain until 3000 mm in one year and in the East the rainfall can be only 1000 mm. The difference between the two coasts in Ireland are established by the west wind, which almost blows the whole year. The clouds come from the Atlantic Ocean and bring a lot of rain with them. The rain calms down at the western side of the mountains.
    Besides the gulf stream controlled the climate, too, because it is a warm stream and see to it, that the temperature is more continual in the south-west as in other regions of the Island.

    So... hab jetzt grad nicht noch Mal drüber gelesen... Aber so sollte es besser sein... []=Veränderungen {}=Kommentare

    Ireland has a moderate oceanic climate with [...] mild winter[s] and [...] cool summer[s]. From January to February the average temperature is [...] [around 4°C to 7°C]. In [...] August the temperature is [...] [circa 14°C to 16°C].
    [As the climate is lukewarm the whole year] Ireland [is a] green Island with [...] nearly subtropical vegetation.
    [...] Rain is a very important [aspect] of the weather in Ireland. On the west coast it [rains a lot (sometimes until 3000 mm per year)] and on the [other hand on the] East coast is quite dry (only 1000 mm a year). The difference[s] between the coasts [...] are [caused] by the west wind, which blows [nearly] the whole year. The clouds come from the Atlantic Ocean and bring a lot of rain with them{hört sich zwar nicht so toll an, ist aber grammatisch richtig, mir fällt da grad nix besseres ein}. The rain calms down at the western side of the mountains. {was willst du damit sagen? Dass es in Richtung Westseite der Berge immer weniger Regen wird? ergibt wenig Sinn so... Sorry}
    Besides the gulf stream [affects] the climate, too, [as {because ist zwar richtig, aber sprachlich nicht immer die beste wahl}] it is a warm stream and [therefore...] the temperature is more continual in the south-west [than] in other regions of the Island.

    Hope that helps :) Garantiere nicht dafür, dass es 100% richtig ist... aber auf jeden Fall besser...

    Wer Tippfehler o.ä. findet, darf sie behalten